Zeno watching mashups…

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Then you can get the goods here!

The Fart Soundboard…

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Hello to both readers out there! Welcome to the newest revision of ChewyKolchuk.com. There are some cool features with this theme that is currently in place, and while I’m still working out a few bugs, I’ll leave it up as is so you can give me feedback if you want to.

Notice that there is a Lead Article, as well as Featured Articles below it.  Those will be the most recent Lead and Featured Articles in chronological order, but know that not all posts will be Lead or Featured, so if you just want to see most recent posts, then click the Recent Post tab above this window.  This Lead Article window is supposed to have an image attached to it, but I haven’t used the specific code that makes it all work, so I’m working on getting it up and in place.

I hope to start posting more regularly, since I am now a year into my new career as a web developer and I suppose I should start becoming more cyborg-like if I’m to fully wrap my head around the culture and thus become a more rounded and experienced professional web dork.

Stay tuned!

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One thing I’ve noticed in daily life is that humans place some importance on The Greeting and The Farewell.  I suppose all social animals have some sort of ritual concerning this, but me being a human, I’ll only comment on that.  Besides, I don’t want to write a dissertation about butt-sniffing just yet, so….back to the subject at hand.

You can tell a lot about how familiar two people are with each other, and indeed their perception of their social standing within each other’s circles just by how they greet and/or say goodbye to each other.  For example, with my inner circle of friends, if I haven’t seen you in a while then I’m likely to give you a hug as a greeting.  If I have seen you recently, then I may shake your hand on arrival, but I may still hug you on my or your exit.  If I see you all the time, then you’re just as likely to get the finger as a quick high-five or even a fist-bump.  Each of these gestures mean the same thing: “Hello friend of mine.  I value your friendship highly and enjoy spending time with you.  Please be at peace with yourself and to show you that I mean all of these things, here is a little physical contact to cement those emotions.”

The funny thing of all this is when shit gets lost in translation.  I’m almost 40 years old and I have friends who range in age from their 50s and 60s down to their 20s.  When I greet people older than myself, it’s all about the ‘old guard’ and ‘respect’ and whatnot, so a simple, firm handshake does the job.  But when I run into buddies who are 10 years younger than I am, shit gets all awkward and hilarious.

…oh shit, I gotta leave soon cuz I have to work early in the morning.  There’s Francois, and I’m gonna have to let him know I’m leaving, but I have no idea how he’s gonna shake my hand!  Is he gonna give me the standard shake?  Is it gonna be the homie handshake?  Is a fist-bump involved, and if so, does it come at the head of the shake or the tail end?  And what happens if I’m confronted with a grenade or a twizzler or a Cleveland Steamer?  Oh shit, what the fuck do I do???

These are the kinds of things that run through my mind when leaving a dinner party and quite frankly it’s terrifying.  I don’t care about appearing to be unhip or old or some crap like that, I just don’t know how to accurately convey my heartfelt and sincere gratitude for the camaraderie and fellowship that was shared during the preceding few hours.  I don’t want to seem cavalier or disingenuous, due to my inability to “shake like the kids these days”, so a lot of angst and trepidation is involved during those moments just prior to leaving a social event with friends of varying ages.

Take a look at the video here and ask yourself, “How, exactly, did that one evolve?”  Imagine leaving a swanky dinner party sponsored by the Golden State Warriors and running into this guy on your way out the door.  I think I’d pass out from sheer fright.

Notice that not only does he get his shake on with one of the venue’s staff, but he’s able to pull of that handshake while NOT EVEN PAYING ATTENTION! He’s yelling at some other guy the whole time, not even looking at the guy he’s shaking hands with.

Good on ya, mate!

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All I can say is, “Thanks, Doug!”

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“If you don’t have anything nice to say, then don’t say anything at all.”

So here goes…

If you can think for yourself, this post ain’t for you, and you can move right along and go Create Things and Be An Individual.  But if you’re an MTV viewer, then please keep reading.

For those of you who don’t know me, you will find that I’m definitely a function-over-form kinda guy.  However, I do realize that we each develop a certain aesthetic that we adhere to in our lives, which is what gives us each our own style and makes each of us a little bit different.  And as we all know, variety is the spice of life, right?  And I’m okay with the pre-teen who is trying to dress themselves rather than just wear what Mom put out for them.  We all have to spend some time finding what we like, and that route invariably takes us through the realm of All The Same Old Cookie Cutter Clothes That Everybody Else Is Wearing, hopefully to another realm.  Some make it through this treacherous forest, and some don’t.

Folks… I’m talking about Uggs.  Have you seen these things?  They look like you shoved your foot up a tauntaun‘s butt and then cut the rest of the tauntaun off with a lightsaber.  Yeah, go running around with these things on your feet and act like Couture Barbie.  Now I realize that they were originally designed as an apres-ski boot, and as such, they’re probably highly effective, but nobody wears them for that purpose.  They are worn as a desirable piece of fashion, and you know what?  That’s not even what pisses me off about them.

What pisses me off about Uggs is that you first saw them (years after they were actually used for apres-ski purposes on the ski hill) on brainless L.A. types with those Paris Hilton cum-blocker shades, walking down the street in 90-degree weather!  Now I don’t automatically hate on peeps from the SoCal, or the OC or whatever…but if you prove to me that you are hard of thinking AND you’re from The Land of Plastic as well, well then I think we have a winner, folks!  Or, a…whatever.

So if your feet have been mercilessly incarcerated inside a pair of ill-fitting ski boots for 8+ hours, then by all means, you go wear you some Uggs.  But if you don’t know the difference between red and green wax, then the following formula will apply to you.  It goes  a little like this:

Males in our society look at women and rate them on the 10-scale, with 10 being the highest.  Swimsuit models, Italian actresses and Kevin’s Mom all qualify as 10s.  By way of comparison, nuns, Croatian powerlifters and Zeno all qualify as zeroes.  Now here’s where Uggs come into the equation.  If you are wearing Uggs as a fashionable article of clothing, then you lose 4 points right off the bat.  (If you wear Uggs, I’d guess you’d lose points for saying things like “like” and “totally” all the time as well, but that’s another post.)  If you are above average in looks and might score a 7, but you’re wearing Uggs then you’re now a 3.  If you’re completely surface-of-the-Sun hot and capable of causing hair to grow on mens’ palms from 100yds away, guess what?  If you are wearing Uggs, you will never be a 10.  It’s that simple.

“Sweetie, you may have walked into the shoe shop a 10, but you left a 6.”

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Well, here’s how that works.  For a long time now, I’ve been pretty lax on posting to the site, and recent history hasn’t shown any different.  However, let’s review the tape from last week, shall we?

Firstly, we’ve had some cold-ish weather recently, and one night, when there was a good temperature inversion and it was foggy, I took some pictures of the sky.  That was fun.

Then, a few days later, Whitty had a birthday.  The whole deal was this:  He was turning 40 and since he grew up in AK where men are Men, and since you should be a Man by the age of 40, well he was going to have a Manly Birthday Party!  So he and a friend of his and I all decided that we were going to be Manly at his birthday party.  And we all went Redneck Style for whatever reason.  Knowing that the wardrobe is limited, I decided that I would up the bar a little bit.  So I shaved my head to look like male-pattern baldness.  OH YEAH!  Here are the photos of the party.  Please to enjoy…

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Hey folks, guess what? I won something! That’s right, you heard right, Chewy Kolchuk done won something for hisself, all by hisself! As it turns out, I had entered a caption into a contest being held by a Roanoke, VA newspaper back during the 1st week in December. It was to be a caption for a picture of a guy kissing a picture of Sarah Palin, whose image was on a bus. In situations like this where I want to retain some privacy, I log in using a junkmail acct, and that’s exactly what I’d done this time. Ready for the punchline?

I had no idea, cuz I’d been drinking when I entered the contest. So tonight as I was cleaning up my junkmail inbox, I came across an email from the guy who had set up the contest, and he was needing my address so he could mail my prize to me.

Well, howdy doo!  Details here.

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3 people have responded to the change in my site’s look.  2 of the 3 didn’t like it.  Well, excuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuse ME!!!

However, a 66% disapproval rating kinda confirmed it for me.  Time to change it up.  WordPress has had some neat additions and widgets and abilities come along in the recent months, and so I’m still playing with some of that.  There will be a link to my Twitter page, which I’m learning to use, and there will be a link to my Flickr page, which I’m trying to be more active with.  And then there are the “featured” posts, much like with the last theme I was using where there will be more images and general flashiness.  Not too much, mind you, just enough to get you, the reader, all twitterpated.

Stay tuned…work in progress.

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