chewykolchuk.com

People who have their photo professionally done with their pets?  Dingdongs.  Sorry Beverly…that’s just how it works.

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I got an email just now from my buddy Lotus. I read it and then replied back to all the recipients with my two cents, but good golly, I didn’t realize that I was going to get all worked up and shit. Here we go…

From: Lotus
Subject: The Doom Bunker
Date: Friday, March 6, 2009, 4:21 PM

Okay, on our recent trip my wife and I ended up in a PizzaHut, yes a PizzaHut, for dinner in Crescent City CA. Despite the rest of the beautiful northern Cali coast, Crescent City leaves much to be desired and hence, PizzaHut. Well, I sat across the table from the ol’ ball and chain with my eyes transfixed on the TeeVee above her. I was stuck, like watching baboons screw, reading the close captioning and watching what must have been the worst thing I’ve ever seen on that damn box. They had on Faux News. There was a show on called “The War Room” with this goofball named Glenn Beck. I was mezmerized by the stupidity of this show and couldn’t believe it was even on the air. But if anyone would give this show the time of day it would be Fixed News. I was speechless the entire time and I think I still haven’t told the Wombat why. I think at one point she looked at me with this concerned look, like I was vacant, and the thought crossed my mind of explaining what was going on on the boobtube above her. Then I realized there was no way I could convey what was on that piece of shit network just then.

Well thank you Steven Colbert for succinctly mocking what must be the most laughable god-awful pile of horsepiss to have ever run on tv. And that’s saying something. SO my dear sweet battleaxe, here’s why I was not quite “with you” that evening on our romantic PizzaHut dinner stop. It was Fox News hun. Like watching baboons screw.

Click here to see what Lotus was talking about

Well, after reading that, I thought I’d respond. So I did.

I saw the Colbert thing, and just about pissed my pants laughing.

Some thoughts that have popped into my head over the last year or so because of stuff just like that:

1) Colbert does a hilarious job acting like a right-wing megalomaniac that I didn’t get it at first, and didn’t like the show until that one day when I finally did get it. The actual right-wingers are trying to copy him or Jon Stewart’s Daily Show with their own show called Red Eye or something like that? This show isn’t funny at all. I mean, I can’t even view it and think, “Man, this would be funny if I were on their team.” So I see their show and I wonder if I’ve somehow lost part of my grip on reality? Did I ever have one? Hmmm… Seems like Sense Of Humor isn’t a Republican trait.

2) Faux News. Are you people for real? From the not-even-thinly-veiled hatred that spews forth from this channel to the cast of characters that are on it… AREYOUFUCKINGPEOPLEFORREAL!?!? For example:

3) Ann Coulter. Insanely out of touch, or marketing genius? I honestly wonder if she actually believes and means the shit that comes out of her horrible mouth, or if she concocts it strictly for headlines, or if she somehow thinks that “Teehee, it’s just television, how can people actually think I’m being serious?” Whatever the truth…she dies in my fantasy.

4) Our two-party system sucks. All it does is breed distrust and an Us VS Them mentality, so much so that legislation is often based on a strategy of “they want this so we are going to fight it, regardless of whether it makes sense or is better than our own plan”.

5) TV sucks. All it does is breed an atmosphere of envy. Envy that the rich and famous people on TV have all these wonderful things in their wonderful lives that we are missing in our pathetic “normal” lives. The Dalai Lama said in a book that in our culture of excess, he sees more unhappy people than in 3rd world cultures. And one time I was in a bar and I was shooting pool with a stranger from Africa. He told me that Americans are crazy because we work too much. He’s right. And, of course, we work too much because we are a nation of Joneses, always wanting what we think that the other person has: happiness because of all the material things they possess.

Wow, I didn’t think I’d get that worked up, but Western Civilazition is doomed. The only thing keeping the machine going at this point is sheer inertia and with the stock market doing what it’s doing, it’ll be interesting to see what’s up in a year or 3.

And, of course, I forgot a couple of things to say in the email. One thing is that it is amazing what some people are saying about the Obama presidency already. Some Republicans are talking about Obama as if he had been in office for 8 years already and royally screwed up everything from our relationships with almost EVERY other country on Earth to our budget deficit. Uhhhh folks, Obama has been in the White House for all of two months. Give him some time. He’s a human, he will make mistakes, but NOBODY could make any more or worse mistakes than the guy who just moved out. zeemzane?

The other thing I forgot to mention to Lotus is that he (Lotus) needs to watch more TV. I never thought I’d say that to anybody, but I think that it’s true in this case. Here’s why: In order to combat whatever it is…be it the enemy or stupidity or what have you, you must know what it is that you’re up against. I told my father on the phone today, “How dumb is the average person? Remember that that is the average and that half the people are even dumber.” How painful is that? But all you have to do is watch most of what they put on TV to see that most of us blindly accept most of what’s put in front of us without thinking or questioning what the hell it is.

So from time to time I hear Lotus tell a tale of how he saw something in mainstream society which flabbergasted him because of its banality. Yeah…well, you watch more TV and see how fine folks like Paris Hilton and Bill O’Reilly are getting on and I guarantee that you will be less surprised in the future.

It’s all a bunch of bullshit. That’s what I gotta say about that!

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I was perusing DrunkCyclist.com when I found a link to this post.  Okay, this person is misinformed, hateful and narrow-minded.  Fine.  But then I looked a little further into her site and found her blacklist of people who are/were hated by god.  ??? WTF?  If I’m correct about the bible, god doesn’t hate anyone, right?  In fact, if you repent your sins, or even if you don’t, god forgives you right?  Isn’t that what they say?  So needless to say, I was quite amused when I read through the list of people, places and things that were hated by god.  In the music category, I saw that Slipknot was on the list, but Slayer wasn’t.  WHHHAAAAATTT?  If ANY band is to be on that list, Slayer had BETTER be there, ya know?  I mean, I have all their albums and like their music, but for reals?  They HAVE to be on that list if they have album names like God Hates Us All, South of Heaven, Hell Awaits and Christ Illusion.  Oh well.   Here’s the link, check it out for yourself.  Hours of laughter if you think the site is a fake…

http://shelleytherepublican.com/blacklist

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Thanks to Doug for emailing this one to me. I think I’d like one of these, and my birthday is just around the corner, too!

Well, the embedded video file doesn’t seem to work properly anymore. Here’s the link to the product in question.

http://www.theonion.com/content/video/sony_releases_new_stupid_piece_of

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Now that I’m back taking a look at the site, I notice that on the right side there are links to different pages that I’ve made.  That’s all fine and dandy, but there’s not a button to click on to take you back to the homepage, so I added one.  At this point I don’t know enough about PHP and CSS and all that crap to find out where to write whatever code I need to write to make it look good.  As you can see, I’ve added a home button, but I don’t know how to make it look right.  If anybody out there has any helpful suggestions, feel free to comment.  It stays as is for the time being because it at least works.

Crude, but effective.

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I know Dudeman is getting pissed at me because I haven’t updated in a while, and I know Mudbutt doesn’t care about the content past how it might enable him to make fun of me online, so I’ll fill you folks in as to what’s the hell going on!

First off, it’s been a pretty slow start getting my site back up and running from when it was on a different server in my buddy’s basement.  Now the site should never go down, and if it does, we can actually call and yell at people instead of being with those who are responsible in a bar somewhere going, “Hey, your server’s down.  Again.”  However, the site is back up and running as you can see and I’ve been spending most of my blog time getting the back end of it set to the specs that I want: getting a theme in place, customizing headers, getting it so that a random one pops up each time, stuff like that.

Recently I had a thought that I could improve my Galleries page, so I have an idea that I’m going to implement probably today, the effects of which may not be seen for a couple of days.  Hang in there…I hope to make it easier to navigate.

Another thing I’ll be working on today (I dont’ know how long I’ll be doing stuff, cuz I’m visiting my sister – we may go out and have an adventure or something!) will be the pics I took from our roadtrip the other day.

So, I haven’t abandoned totally, just temporarily.  Hopefully I have more to say (I always have SOMETHING to say, I just need to actually type it…) more often so that you who read this, both of you, are entertained from time to time.

Peace out, n shit…

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It would appear that in the move I’ve lost most of my images. I backed them up on my computer in case such a thing were to happen, so we’ll get to work on reintroducing them back to the site. It may take a while, but feel free to bitch at me if you wanted to see something that used to be here. I might get off my butt and put it back up.

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Some of you may be wondering, “How come no more Chewy?” or “Chewy disappeared!  What for?”  Well it’s a bit of a story.

I went with my webmaster out to a friend’s house to watch football and also to move my site from one server to another.  Why would we want to do that?  Because Mr Webmaster is tired of being a do-it-yourselfer.  He used to do all the work on his house, his cars, his computers and websites….all of it, he’d do it himself.  But no longer.  No, no longer because the time saved is well worth the expense.  So my site had to leave the server farm in his dungeon and move to a pay webhost server thingie.  The bonus is that we can now bitch and yell at a total stranger if our sites go down, instead of offering sexual favors and beer to our buddy to fix the servers.  Ewwwwwwwww!!!

So we moved the site from one server to another.  However, in so doing, we somehow managed to enable my site to suffer what is known as DNS Cache Poisoning.  If you’ve tried to come to my site in the last week, you know that shit wasn’t exactly kosher, and that is the result of DNS Cache Poisoning.  What the hell is that?  I won’t go into it too far, but here’s an easy analogy.  Imagine that you wanted to write me a letter at my home address.  You’d address it to me and put it in the mail.  That’s essentially how the web works, you type in an address and your computer screen shows you what’s at the address you expected to be taken to.  Okay, now imagine that there’s a shitty little bastard gnome who takes everything addressed to me and he takes it to some other address where a bunch of Czech mafia guys live and they’re trying to tell you that A) there’s no such person as Chewy and B) for a lot of money they can take you to him.

That’s DNS Cache Poisoning.  Crappy to have happen to your personal website.

Okay, boys n girls, now we know what happened to my site, let’s find out what’s next!  Well, I gotta redo the look cuz I lost all the other crap.  And maybe other things too….I don’t know.

Stay tuned!!!

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Our bike shop is in the South Lake Union neighborhood of downtown Seattle. When Paul Allen decided that his neighborhood (he bought a lot of the properties in and around us) needed a trolley, well by golly, they started to build it. And since it’s the South Lake Union neighborhood, well by golly, it’s going to be called the South Lake Union Trolley. And then people caught on to it, and started referring to it as the SLUT. Even before it went online you could buy tshirts that say, “Ride the SLUT”. So they were forced to change the name to the Seattle Streetcar.

Too late. Everybody calls it the SLUT.

So the SLUT has a stop right in front of our bike shop. A SLUTstop, if you will. I went to a show the other night and I had to come to the shop to get my bike and gear on the way home. I was going to take the bus cuz it was raining like a mofo, so I just grabbed my gear and shoved it into the backpack and away I went. I didn’t make it even across the intersection when I managed somehow to get both wheels sucked into the SLUT tracks. As I started to tip over, I desperately tried to bunnyhop out of the groove I was in, but to no avail. If you’re a bike person, you’ll know the feeling of not being able to unclip from your pedals when you first tried clipless pedals… That was me, tipping right over. And sure enough, boom, right onto my right side, in the rain and all that. Now I have a sprained left thumb (don’t ask, I don’t know either), and the right side of my body is minorly bruised.

Stupid tracks….I got juiced!

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How about this?  This from a person calling themselves “Herwankiebank”.  Is that the punchline to a joke or what?  Here you go…

Your site has very much liked me. I shall necessarily tell about him to the friends

No.  My site didn’t very much like you.  In fact, it thinks you’re quite shady.  I mean, really, it put your comment in the spam catcher.  However I know that you will tell your friends, because that’s how spam works.  “Hey I found another domain name we can send useless shit to!  Come on, let’s go!!!”

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