They say that if you sit by the river long enough, you’ll see the body of your enemy float by. I’m not certain the full extent of that quote, but it says to me that if you wait long enough, you’ll eventually see it all. Folks, I have now seen it all.
I just got off the phone with a lady who asked me if I had, or knew where to get, a recumbent tricycle that folds. Yes, DP, you heard that right. For the rest of you, it goes like this.
This is a recumbent, albeit a super high-tech one. You lay back on them and it helps reduce stress on your lower back. People who ride them have bad backs or are getting on in years and need the support that they offer the entire body. People who commute on them are cranky old curmudgeons who WILL NOT wear cycling clothes made of anything but wool. Merino wool! They will tell you all about why the recumbent is the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow and why you should stop riding your silly upright bike and buy a recumbent instead. And just like a construction worker will tell you about why he’s smarter than the foreman, the recumbent rider will tell you all this without being asked to. No healthy adult should ride a recumbent other than to see what it feels like to be a wee bit loony.
This is a tricycle. Notice that it has 3 wheels. That’s because it’s difficult, at first, for a 3 yr old to balance on two wheels, but eventually they’ll get it, and then they’ll graduate to a 2-wheeler. No adult should ride one unless they are so drunk that they’ll have to see the pictures later to believe the stories.
This is a folding bike. Notice how, in riding mode, it looks like it might not ride very well? Like it’s unsafe? Well that’s only because it’s about to fall apart on you as soon as you start to ride it. There are usually a couple of locking link pieces strategically placed throughout the frame that enable the bike to lock, open and shut much like a Samsonite suitcase. The difference being that the folding bike won’t hold up to a monkey beating on it. Hell, it won’t hold up to a highly-evolved monkey like Homo Sapiens riding gingerly on it. The only adult allowed to ride a folding bike is the non-cycling adult who is sailing around the world on their boat and needs the extra space for more liquor.
So far, I’ve covered the 3 basic aforementioned styles, and why you should never ride them. But what happens when we start to mix these together? I’ve never thought much about it until this lady just called. She laughed when I started to say, “Uhhhhhhhh uuuhhhhhhhhhhh uh…” in response to her request. She said that they were fun to ride, to which I responded that they would be MUCH less fun to find, as a bike like that was a tall order. Any one of those features, singly, I could find for her. Hell, like Meatloaf sang, even two out of three ain’t bad, but a 3-wheeled recumbent that folds? What are you, a geriatric alcoholic pirate retro-grouch? Who needs a bike to be all three? Be like the rest of us and get three different bikes, dammit!
Oh it gets better. Can you believe that these, and these and these are that easy to find out there on the internets?
And after all that, I give you the actual item. Ladies and gentleman, the Folding Recumbent Tricycle. The feature that I like the most is that after you fold it up, it’s not really any smaller than when it’s in riding mode.
I’ve been in the bike industry for 15+ years and while I’ve made jokes about full-suspension, downhill unicycles or other mythical bicycles that don’t exist, I NEVER thought I’d see or hear about a (I simply HAVE to say it again out loud, it’s messing with my head THAT badly) FOLDING RECUMBENT TRIKE!!!
What in THE fuck? Houston, we have a no shit problem. I almost want to tag this post under DREAMS, cuz I’m not sure I’m really here.
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