“If you don’t have anything nice to say, then don’t say anything at all.”

So here goes…

If you can think for yourself, this post ain’t for you, and you can move right along and go Create Things and Be An Individual.  But if you’re an MTV viewer, then please keep reading.

For those of you who don’t know me, you will find that I’m definitely a function-over-form kinda guy.  However, I do realize that we each develop a certain aesthetic that we adhere to in our lives, which is what gives us each our own style and makes each of us a little bit different.  And as we all know, variety is the spice of life, right?  And I’m okay with the pre-teen who is trying to dress themselves rather than just wear what Mom put out for them.  We all have to spend some time finding what we like, and that route invariably takes us through the realm of All The Same Old Cookie Cutter Clothes That Everybody Else Is Wearing, hopefully to another realm.  Some make it through this treacherous forest, and some don’t.

Folks… I’m talking about Uggs.  Have you seen these things?  They look like you shoved your foot up a tauntaun‘s butt and then cut the rest of the tauntaun off with a lightsaber.  Yeah, go running around with these things on your feet and act like Couture Barbie.  Now I realize that they were originally designed as an apres-ski boot, and as such, they’re probably highly effective, but nobody wears them for that purpose.  They are worn as a desirable piece of fashion, and you know what?  That’s not even what pisses me off about them.

What pisses me off about Uggs is that you first saw them (years after they were actually used for apres-ski purposes on the ski hill) on brainless L.A. types with those Paris Hilton cum-blocker shades, walking down the street in 90-degree weather!  Now I don’t automatically hate on peeps from the SoCal, or the OC or whatever…but if you prove to me that you are hard of thinking AND you’re from The Land of Plastic as well, well then I think we have a winner, folks!  Or, a…whatever.

So if your feet have been mercilessly incarcerated inside a pair of ill-fitting ski boots for 8+ hours, then by all means, you go wear you some Uggs.  But if you don’t know the difference between red and green wax, then the following formula will apply to you.  It goes  a little like this:

Males in our society look at women and rate them on the 10-scale, with 10 being the highest.  Swimsuit models, Italian actresses and Kevin’s Mom all qualify as 10s.  By way of comparison, nuns, Croatian powerlifters and Zeno all qualify as zeroes.  Now here’s where Uggs come into the equation.  If you are wearing Uggs as a fashionable article of clothing, then you lose 4 points right off the bat.  (If you wear Uggs, I’d guess you’d lose points for saying things like “like” and “totally” all the time as well, but that’s another post.)  If you are above average in looks and might score a 7, but you’re wearing Uggs then you’re now a 3.  If you’re completely surface-of-the-Sun hot and capable of causing hair to grow on mens’ palms from 100yds away, guess what?  If you are wearing Uggs, you will never be a 10.  It’s that simple.

“Sweetie, you may have walked into the shoe shop a 10, but you left a 6.”

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