Here I am, surfing the iPhone app store. I recently switched to AT&T so that I could start getting used to the iPhone, cuz Dave wants to write apps for it. So every day I try to think of what might make for a good app and then I search the app store at iTunes.

Recently I was looking for bicycle-related apps since I’m a bike dude, so I was searching terms like “cycling”, “bicycling”, “bikes”, “bicycles”, and when I typed in “cycle”, I found a bunch of apps concerning the ‘menstrual cycle’. WHOA!!! I mean, I guess that just makes sense, cuz that’s kind of a big deal for a number of reasons, all pertaining to one BIG thing that most young people want to avoid, so okay…there’s a bunch of apps for it. But you know…I got curious. So I downloaded one of them.

I feel like I just read my girlfriend’s diary or something! I opened some sort of Pandora’s box and it can never be closed again! This app is CRAZY!!! Okay, sure, you can type in the start and finish dates of your last period, as well as how long in between cycles it usually is, and then as time passes, it will become more predictive for you as to when your friend will next show up. That would seem to be standard fare. But delve a little further and it starts to make one (if male, like myself) feel a little crunchy, like I furnished a false password and am now in some place that I shouldn’t be. AND I’m about to be found out at any moment!

When you open the app, it asks you to furnish when you had your last period, and when you choose any specific date, there’s an option to choose whether you had intercourse or if your period started on that date. I chose intercourse. It then asked me if it was protected or unprotected! WHAT!!! Who are the dirty whores downloading this app?

Well, me, for one. But I digress.

When I went back into the setup portion (always start with a new program by setting up your preferences, it helps one understand just what the program in question is capable of) to adjust parameters, it asked me to input my Luteal Phase. Off to Google I went and found out what that shit meant. Then I was asked if I wanted my Fertile Days to be displayed. Uh, no.

So that was interesting to say the least. However, I was still doing research for the brilliant app that I have in mind and so I went back to the app store. I typed in more search terms and saw many apps that made differing levels of sense in my mind, from the idiotic-but-I-suppose-that-matters-to-some kind of apps to the (like the above-mentioned app) holy-crap-I-had-no-idea-because-I-don’t-live-there kind of apps. At one point though, and I suppose it just makes sense, I did stumble upon a couple of apps that were based on the sex-offender registry idea. Holy shit! If I know ONE thing, it’s Never Look Up Sex Offenders Online. Why? Because you’ll find out where they are! And they are in your neighborhood! Now…I don’t have children, so I don’t worry as much about this as some, but I don’t wanna know that shit! I’d like to think that the nice person walking their Akita at night in our neighborhood simply has that dog because it’s a beautiful animal, and not because they are fiercely loyal to ONE person and will fight to the death for them…and that maybe this person is a sex offender and they need that kind of protection. No thanks, I’d like to think otherwise as the dog (who is as big as a fucking horse) looks me right in the eye and silently challenges me every time I walk by. I’m stupid enough too, to fall for that shit…and I stare right back and the owner has to physically pull him along, cuz this dog ALWAYS wants a piece of me. Funny thing is…I KNOW that dog would rip me a new one too, but I can’t stop letting him know that I’m still higher on the food chain, or totem pole or pecking order. Whatever…try to light a lighter, pal. Try to hitch-hike. Not so easy with paws is it? Fuck you, I’m going to the bar!

Anyway, I learned something new today at the ol’ app store. There is always something out there for you, no matter what your taste.

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