Step 1

Render your phone functional yet inoperable by stepping on it solidly.  With the heel of your shoe.  Preferably so that the machine powers up and probably works, but hopefully you can’t tell because the screen is shattered and the L part of the LCD screen is bleeding black ink onto the rest of the contents of your display.  In fact, picture this:  You know how chinese restaurants always have the white tablecloth under the glass tabletop?  Makes sense, you get drunk and start spilling your drinks all over the table, but no big deal cuz all you gotta do is wipe it with a sponge, or a shamwow (are you kidding me?) and it’s cleaned up.  No stain on the tablecloth cuz it was under glass the whole time.  WHOA!  Okay, so anyway, what you do is you lift the glass and put a newspaper under there instead of the tablecloth.  We’ll pretend that that’s the content that you would be reading on the phone’s screen.  Then grab an octopus and scare it so that it squirts black ink all over the newspaper.  Got it?  Okay, now put the glass back down and whack the table once, REAL GOOD, right in the middle with a sledgehammer.  See how the spiderweb starts and then the octopus ink makes it so you can’t read shit?

Yeah, that’s Step 1

Step2

Step 2 should, oddly enough, be performed months in advance of Step 1.  It almost should BE Step 1, except that I’ve decided that it’s Step 2.  Mainly because you don’t think about it until later and realize how perfect it all is.  Whatever, Step 2 is to try syncing your bluetooth phone with your computer.  Make certain that, in your zeal for efficiency and simplification, you download the address books for your Yahoo mail and your gmail and your work mail and consolidate them all into the address book of your computer so that you’ll have EVERYBODY in your new, bitchin, bluetooth phone.  Excellent, you now have 3 and 4 different entries for most of your contacts and who knows whose numbers are the old ones and the new ones, and oooooh what a bunch of bullshit this is!

Step 3

Take months to sift through all the shit and get each entry corrected and down to a single entry per person.  There, isn’t that nice?  Now that you’ve got it all consolidated, why not toss out the bloated Excel files that you’ve downloaded from the interwebs?  You know, the ones with every entry for every person you’ve ever known?  Those files.  Toss ‘em.  You’ve got everything you need on your phone and on the computer.  It’s a beater, but it does fine with offline tasks like iTunes and Address Book crap.

Step 4

Step 4 is also known as The Stealth Step.  The Stealth Step goes like this:  In the pursuit of streamlining it all, you should reinstall your operating system.  You’ve retired that computer to being a web surfer/virus magnet and mp3 server, so you might as well clean it up and make it roll as fast as those rusty internet tubes will allow, right?  RIGHT!  So you polish the turd as best you can and you start jammin’ and webbin’ away!

See?  Step 4!  Done!  Easy…next step.  NEXT!

Step 5

Get a new phone and transfer all your contacts to the new phone and be happy.  Go surf the web on the can with your new smartphone/webphone geek device.  You’ll love it.  It’s a way of life.

Refer back to Step 1 just for a jogging of the ol’ memory

Step 6

Now it’s time to bring the new new phone into play, because while you might be able to answer the occasional phone call, you can’t send or receive txt msgs on your new phone in its current state.  You now must go to the phone store, call the insurance company and report your phone Stepped On.  It will arrive in 2 days and you’ll be out only $50, whatever, just go do it.

Step 7

Once the phone arrives, you will want to customize it back to how you had it before or maybe now will be the time to revamp the look.  If you’re like me, you’ll end up getting juiced by the insurance company because while you may have had a flat black model, they will send you a silver one.  BASTARDS!!!  However that may be small beans compared to the revelation you will later have in Step 8.  Of course, one standard maneuver in the Operation: New New Phone Acquisition operation is to go back to the phone store and have them move everything from the old new phone to the new new phone.  They will not be able to do this, as the aforementioned Spiderwebs and Soy Sauce Limited Edition LCD screen won’t allow the Cell Phone Information Repair/Transfer Technician to see what the hell is going on.

Fuck it.  Go home and deal with it there.

Step 8

As you arrive at home and luxuriate in the fact that you will now be able to deal with all this while located inside of only your underwear, a small yet tenacious idea will pop into your head.  That idea will be that Step 4, while having sped up the overall performance of your computer, will also have erased everything on that hard drive.  Including the new, improved and consolidated version of the Address Book Crap.  This will the piss you off and you will be driven to writing an 8-step guide to why you need all your friend’s phone numbers emailed to you or txt msg’d to your new new silver phone that won’t recognize the 1gb memory card that worked fine in your old new, flat black phone.

Step 9

You’ll want to proof-read the entry once or twice because it may be possible that you end up putting episodes of Battlestar Galactica into the DVD player, thus distracting you and making the possibility of grammar and spelling errors that much higher.  It is during this step that you will notice that there are 10 steps in your 8-step guide.  You will need to make a decision at this point whether to correct that or just say “Fuck it”.  Once that is done, you may then move on to the next and final step.

Step 10

Post that shit on your blog.  Don’t forget to tell the two readers of your website that you were serious about needing all their phone-centric contact info, because some of them might not see the request for the humorous narrative, and blithely click over to some porn site without giving your wretched state a second thought.  You’ll want to mention that txt msgs should contain sender’s name and digits.  Post to your blog and go to bed slightly miffed.

And there you have it.  Doing It Right in Ten Easy Steps by Chewy Kolchuk

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