chewykolchuk.com

I ran out of my normal deodorant the other day.  OMIGOODNESS whatever shall I do?

Buy more.

I don’t buy anti-perspirant, cuz a human body needs to perspire and because they contain aluminum and what does aluminum contribute to, kids?  I can’t remember…

Anyway, I bought some new stuff because the store in question didn’t have my normal stuff.  Holy crap, this new stuff smells good!!!  Like, I wanna grope myself when nobody’s looking kind of good.

So if you happen to run into me out on the street, take a whiff.  You can thank me later.

Popularity: 2% [?]

Yeah, we got broke into a couple weeks ago.  And yes, the insurance company was all nice and helpful…”Oh we’ll just get a check out to you asap!  Thank you so much!”  So now that it’s been 2 weeks and no check, we’re being told that I need to find the receipts from the original transactions for my computer and camera.  That makes sense, but why the fuck weren’t we told this at the beginning?  Asshole.

So I call Apple.  They sure as shit have my address and email, but “their records don’t go back more than 18 months” and so they can’t find my transaction record.  If I was the IRS I bet they’d find the fuck out of that transaction receipt.  Thanks for nothing.  Asshole.

I call Frys where I got my camera.  “Oh yes, we can get that for you.  But you have to come in in person to get that.”  FUUUUUCK!!!  Asshole!

And to top it off?  I just saw a traffic/parking cop give the UPS guy a ticket.  ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?!?  UPS guy?  For real?  Douchebag is just pissed cuz he doesn’t get to carry a gun, I bet.  Way to go asshole!!!

Fuck this place, I’m moving to Finland…

Popularity: 1% [?]

I’m also rolling on the floor, laughing my ass off, or as the kids today like to say, with their l33tsp33k, or whatever that shit is, ROFL LMAO…

Anyway, please to enjoy a polar bear poop cloud!

Popularity: 1% [?]

I got an email this morning from my sister. In it were a couple of attachments, one of which was a copy of the speech or whatever you want to call it that I gave at Eric’s memorial. Out of all the stuff on my stolen computer, that was the one irreplaceable item that really pissed me off and bummed me out. Well, before anything else happens, I put it up on the new page that I made for Eric. Click on his name up there and you’ll soon be seeing a page with pictures of him and whatnot. For now though, it’s just the speech I wrote.

Thanks Nan.

Popularity: 1% [?]

It’s been hot and muggy here in Seattle for the last couple weeks.  Which is to say that if you’re here visiting from the East Coast, you’ll like how cool and dry it’s been.  Me?  My arms have been shiny from sweat, my head sweating like a beer bottle that has been sitting on the picnic table for 5 minutes, and just hot.  In fact, I’ve been wishing it would rain and cool off some.

It did.  I got soaked on the way in this morning and guess what?  I was grumbling to myself about it too.  It’s actually nice, but I got caught off guard this morning and rode in with a short sleeve jersey on and no tights.  Tomorrow I’ll have booties and knee warmers at least.  And extra socks in my bag.  Which I broke.  Shit, I’m gonna have to replace that sooner than later.

In lighter news, I found my smaller camera out in our dungeon, so the douchebag crackhead(s) only got one of my cameras.

Don’t forget to floss!

Popularity: 1% [?]

In the previous post, I mentioned how much of a wuss I am and how hot it is and oh woe is me, I need something cold to drink.

Well smack my  ass and call me Sally, but Mr Delta Foxtrot saw that and he brought me some carmel iced Starbucks beverage!  And it’s cold!  It’s also super syrupy-sticky, so I’m going to be blowing bubbles here shortly.

There are benefits to telling the world what you wish for.  Sometimes people listen!

Popularity: 1% [?]

Normally I look down on blended, frothy cold coffee drinks.  Coffee should be hot.  Like melt your flesh hot.  But it’s so damn hot for a whiny little bitch from AK who gets uncomfortable at 80 degrees.  I mean, it must be at least 81 degrees out there!  Add to that the fact that we had to barricade our side door after the break-in and now I don’t have that breeze coming in from the alley way.  It’s a pleasant breeze, scented ever so gently by urine and asphalt.  But the nicest thing is that it has that one-degree cooling effect.  Oh yes, when it’s 80 degrees out and I’m feeling like I’m sitting inside a microwave, that breeze easily brings the temperature all the way down to at least 79 degrees.  Aaaaahhhhhh, heaven.  But now the door has been barred shut to keep out the late night lurkers and it’s getting hotter by the minute.

I could really use an iced grande carmelatte frappacino espresso smoothie right now.

Popularity: 1% [?]

Tomorrow night I’m going be meeting up with Mudbutt, Ol’ Splinterfoot, Loudmouth and Delta Foxtrot.  Mr Foxtrot informed me that Ms Foxtrot will be joining us as well.  If you’ve never met Ms Foxtrot, you’d like her, she kicks ass.  Which is kind of the whole point of this post.  Mr and Ms Foxtrot were conversing amongst themselves as to who all these people with nicknames were, as she’d never heard of Loudmouth and Ol’ Splinterfoot before.  I think I actually referred to Ol’ Splinterfoot as Dutchboy.  Put those two names together and you’ll understand why he’s called Splinterfoot.

ANYWAY

Ms Foxtrot asked her lesser half, “If he’s got all these messed up names for everyone, what the hell does he call me?”

OH SNAP!  I don’t have anything!

I will though.  I will….

Popularity: 2% [?]

First off, let me just say that if something on my bike breaks, I am going to be PISSED!

But Chewy, why would you say that? That’s a strange way to open a conversation.

This isn’t going to be a conversation, this is going to be a rant.

Remember the phone saga? I stepped on my phone and broke it in such a way that all the info in it could not be retrieved. Oh great, that was fun, emailing all my contacts and asking them to get their info to me. It’s funny though because in the last week I’ve been thinking about how lucky I was. I’d had a bunch of pics and videos on the phone and one day I just got a wild hair and decided to send all that stuff to my computer via bluetooth. A week later I broke my phone, so I was lucky that I’d gotten all that stuff off of it.

Fast forward to this morning. The quick version is that our bike shop was broken into last night and instead of taking one of the 10 or so bikes that were in here, the douchebags only took a computer and 2 cameras.

My computer and my 2 cameras.

So now I’m sitting here thinking about how fortunate I was to have gotten all the media files onto my computer for safekeeping, and yet now some crackhead is viewing my pictures of Egypt and my videos of a bunch of drunken metalheads on a schoolbus going to the Iron Maiden show and listening to my music. At least I didn’t have any good porn on there.

And at least nothing belonging to any of our customers got stolen. No, just my shit. Not even any of Dean’s stuff got stolen, just my shit. WHOOOOPEEEEEE On the way in to work this morning I had visions of finding some crackhead in an alley at night with my cameras or my computer and breaking his hands with a hammer. You know, the heavy kind that a blacksmith uses? I don’t know if I’d rather go to work on each and every joint in his hands, or if I’d just give him one good solid whack right in the middle of the back of each hand. Hmmmm….we’ll never know, cuz it’s never going to happen, but it was satisfying to think about while riding my bike, which is, itself, an excellent form of therapy. By the time I’d gotten to work I was normal again.

I could mention that I also broke my main cycling backpack last night by stepping on one of the buckles (why am I stepping on all my shit?!), but I don’t feel like it.

At least I still have my bike, but if ANYTHING goes wrong with that shit, I WILL go postal on somebody or something.

Now that I think about it, I had a bunch of pictures of Eric on there as well as the speech that I’d given at his memorial. I think that’s what pisses me off more than anything else.

PS…it’s official!!! Shit comes in 3s! I broke my phone, I broke my backpack and now I’ve had some shit stolen from me. 3 things, even!

PPS, I’m just going to keep adding to this post all day long as I start finding more shit.  Latest info is that my computer was attached to our printer as I was in the habit of using my laptop as the main computer here at work.  Well, the douchebag crackhead motherfucker who stole my shit must have been in some kind of hurry because he appears to have grabbed the computer and ran without so much as taking the time to remove the USB cable from the USB port.  He might have damaged one of the USB ports, that lazy prick!  Well, the cable is still attached to the computer and now I can’t print anything today.  Wouldn’t you know it, we sold a pair of handlebars on eBay last night, and I can’t print out a shipping label!  ASSHOLE!!!

Popularity: 3% [?]

Popularity: 1% [?]