Yeah, okay, so it was 2 weeks ago that Dave and I took part in the Urban Assault race. I’ve been doing shit, okay? Just don’t ask me what I’ve been doing because the answer will not be satisfactory.

I’m not into the whole race scene. I do like going to races and being a part of the bike industry/scene, but the actual racing aspect isn’t what I’m about. I’m more about having the bicycle be an everyday part of my life, rather than using it as a tool to win trophies or respect, or to feed my ego. I’m definitely not a Type A kinda person. But when I heard about the Urban Assault checkpoint race, I definitely thought it would be cool, and Dave’s similar to me in that respect. He’s raced before, but he’s more about the lifestyle aspect rather than the racing aspect anymore.

So we entered. $120 entry fee, which we both knew was a wash, cuz we weren’t going to win anything, although the prizes were 2 cool cruiser bikes from New Belgium Brewing that were made by Felt. Pretty cool.

We got to the location at like 7:30am and immediately got jacked up on coffee. Dave drinks tea, and he needed it too, cuz he’d just flown back from the Philippines the day before, so he was feeling it. I drank coffee and listened to him tell me about what Manila is like and we just chilled before heading over to the starting area.

Did I mention that I do like going to bike events and just being around fellow cyclists? I do.

We didn’t take the online quiz beforehand, so our start time was in the 3rd wave, but we didn’t care…it was all about fun. Our first stop was at REI, where they had 9 letters hidden around the landscaped area around the mtn bike test track. We were supposed to find the letters and then rearrange them to spell something. That checkpoint was easily the longest one. At one point, I decided to take a photo, because I knew I’d want to have some visual documentation for a certain website that only 3 people read. Wouldn’t you know it, Dave comes walking up just as I got my camera whipped out, and he says, “You’re taking pictures?”, as though I’m fucking up the entire program because I’m now making us lose precious seconds in our bid to actually WIN this race? I don’t think so, buddy. CLICK… We actually didn’t find all 9 letters, but after 6 or 7, I knew that they were spelling Skinny Dip, which is one of New Belgium’s beers. It pays to do research, folks.

So we took off and went to the first Mystery Checkpoint, which was over the top of Capitol Hill in the Central District. “It won’t be long now. That’s what the barista said as cut off the bunny’s ear.” That was the clue we got for the next Mystery Checkpoint. As you can see from the photo, everybody had their cellphones out and was calling buddies to find out what the hell was going on. We did the same. Didn’t help though. At one point, I heard a guy go…”You need to drink coffee and know the neighborhood to get this one. I don’t like coffee and I don’t live here, so I’m hosed.”

Yes you are, sir. As are we, cuz we don’t know what coffee joint is being mentioned here. Oh yeah, there was a photo involved with that clue too, but again….it was no help. So we decided to hit the next known checkpoint (a total of five known checkpoints – hit them in any order) and just sort of take it from there.

At the next stop, in the U District, Dave jumped on the BMX bike while I stood on the pegs with a lance in my hand. He rode along, while I hooked four rings and then we bolted outta there. Too bad there were those stupid Mystery Checkpoints, cuz the physical bike obstacles were a breeze, especially with Dave as a partner. He can keep a bike upright, in the woods or on the road, or even with my fat ass choking him trying to stay on those pegs.

After that one, we rode a couple miles up to the next stop, right by Green Lake, which had each of us using these small kegs that had been cut in half as stilts. That one was a little slower, because the terrain was tricky, but again, we’re okay with the physical challenge portion. It’s the brain-power part that gave us fits.

After getting from Green Lake to Ballard, we had the Paperboy Challenge. I rode a bike with a banana seat and a basket around an oval course, and Dave had a wicker basket. His job was to catch the newspapers that I threw at him. After catching 3 of them, we were gone. Unfortunately, we didn’t get pictures at either that checkpoint, or the bike jousting one where I was using the lance. Those would have been cool pics. Oh well, next year we’ll have a third person with us who just takes pictures.

We bolted back past the start line to Gas Works park and did the Human Wheelbarrow. I grabbed Dave’s feet while he held onto the axle of a bike wheel in the pushup position. After the 15 or so miles and no real breakfast, we were both exhausted and we crashed a couple times trying to do the down and back course, and then it was back to the start/finish line in Fremont. Once we got back, we had to do two laps of this course on adult-sized bigwheels. My legs were toasted, but those things ROCKED! Once we were finished, it was into the beer garden for beer and pizza. Awesome! That’s the kind of race I enjoy. Weirdos who ride and drink and have a good time. I’m sure they ride more than I do, and I might drink a wee bit more than they do, but we’re mostly the same type of people.

The question now is: Can I get any volunteers to photograph my team next year? I’ll supply the camera…

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