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Yeah, okay, so it was 2 weeks ago that Dave and I took part in the Urban Assault race. I’ve been doing shit, okay? Just don’t ask me what I’ve been doing because the answer will not be satisfactory.

I’m not into the whole race scene. I do like going to races and being a part of the bike industry/scene, but the actual racing aspect isn’t what I’m about. I’m more about having the bicycle be an everyday part of my life, rather than using it as a tool to win trophies or respect, or to feed my ego. I’m definitely not a Type A kinda person. But when I heard about the Urban Assault checkpoint race, I definitely thought it would be cool, and Dave’s similar to me in that respect. He’s raced before, but he’s more about the lifestyle aspect rather than the racing aspect anymore.

So we entered. $120 entry fee, which we both knew was a wash, cuz we weren’t going to win anything, although the prizes were 2 cool cruiser bikes from New Belgium Brewing that were made by Felt. Pretty cool.

We got to the location at like 7:30am and immediately got jacked up on coffee. Dave drinks tea, and he needed it too, cuz he’d just flown back from the Philippines the day before, so he was feeling it. I drank coffee and listened to him tell me about what Manila is like and we just chilled before heading over to the starting area.

Did I mention that I do like going to bike events and just being around fellow cyclists? I do.

We didn’t take the online quiz beforehand, so our start time was in the 3rd wave, but we didn’t care…it was all about fun. Our first stop was at REI, where they had 9 letters hidden around the landscaped area around the mtn bike test track. We were supposed to find the letters and then rearrange them to spell something. That checkpoint was easily the longest one. At one point, I decided to take a photo, because I knew I’d want to have some visual documentation for a certain website that only 3 people read. Wouldn’t you know it, Dave comes walking up just as I got my camera whipped out, and he says, “You’re taking pictures?”, as though I’m fucking up the entire program because I’m now making us lose precious seconds in our bid to actually WIN this race? I don’t think so, buddy. CLICK… We actually didn’t find all 9 letters, but after 6 or 7, I knew that they were spelling Skinny Dip, which is one of New Belgium’s beers. It pays to do research, folks.

So we took off and went to the first Mystery Checkpoint, which was over the top of Capitol Hill in the Central District. “It won’t be long now. That’s what the barista said as cut off the bunny’s ear.” That was the clue we got for the next Mystery Checkpoint. As you can see from the photo, everybody had their cellphones out and was calling buddies to find out what the hell was going on. We did the same. Didn’t help though. At one point, I heard a guy go…”You need to drink coffee and know the neighborhood to get this one. I don’t like coffee and I don’t live here, so I’m hosed.”

Yes you are, sir. As are we, cuz we don’t know what coffee joint is being mentioned here. Oh yeah, there was a photo involved with that clue too, but again….it was no help. So we decided to hit the next known checkpoint (a total of five known checkpoints – hit them in any order) and just sort of take it from there.

At the next stop, in the U District, Dave jumped on the BMX bike while I stood on the pegs with a lance in my hand. He rode along, while I hooked four rings and then we bolted outta there. Too bad there were those stupid Mystery Checkpoints, cuz the physical bike obstacles were a breeze, especially with Dave as a partner. He can keep a bike upright, in the woods or on the road, or even with my fat ass choking him trying to stay on those pegs.

After that one, we rode a couple miles up to the next stop, right by Green Lake, which had each of us using these small kegs that had been cut in half as stilts. That one was a little slower, because the terrain was tricky, but again, we’re okay with the physical challenge portion. It’s the brain-power part that gave us fits.

After getting from Green Lake to Ballard, we had the Paperboy Challenge. I rode a bike with a banana seat and a basket around an oval course, and Dave had a wicker basket. His job was to catch the newspapers that I threw at him. After catching 3 of them, we were gone. Unfortunately, we didn’t get pictures at either that checkpoint, or the bike jousting one where I was using the lance. Those would have been cool pics. Oh well, next year we’ll have a third person with us who just takes pictures.

We bolted back past the start line to Gas Works park and did the Human Wheelbarrow. I grabbed Dave’s feet while he held onto the axle of a bike wheel in the pushup position. After the 15 or so miles and no real breakfast, we were both exhausted and we crashed a couple times trying to do the down and back course, and then it was back to the start/finish line in Fremont. Once we got back, we had to do two laps of this course on adult-sized bigwheels. My legs were toasted, but those things ROCKED! Once we were finished, it was into the beer garden for beer and pizza. Awesome! That’s the kind of race I enjoy. Weirdos who ride and drink and have a good time. I’m sure they ride more than I do, and I might drink a wee bit more than they do, but we’re mostly the same type of people.

The question now is: Can I get any volunteers to photograph my team next year? I’ll supply the camera…

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A few months back my sister and a friend were at her place in Albuquerque, doing yard/house work. I don’t know what they were doing, and why they needed to be doing it on a ladder up by the roof, but my sister’s friend was up on a ladder doing something to the roof, or gutter or something. Okay…there you have it.

So while her friend is up on the ladder, Nancy is bracing it, making sure nothing freaky happens. You know…safety first, and all that shit. And sure enough, shit did happen. Nancy’s friend started to fall, so Nancy reached out and tried to catch her, which I think actually happened, but in the process Nanny’s (we call her Nan or Nanny, so shut up!) leg got tweaked. I suppose since we’re all looking at the xrays, you might say her leg got broke. Technically…broke.

At that same time I was here in Seattle, dealing with the news that my best friend of 30+ years had died, and I was on my phone calling people and letting them know what had happened. And in the course of phone calls, I called Nanny to tell her, because obviously everybody in my family thought of Eric as part of the family. When I called her, it was literally like 2 minutes after her accident, so while she wasn’t in any pain, she did kinda go into shock a little bit, and we had to hang up on each other.

Over the course of the last few months, obviously I’ve spoken with Nan about how she’s doing and what does her path to recovery entail and whatnot. Firstly, she hasn’t had any real pain to speak of, so that’s cool, but it’s a pain in the ass being injured like this because she can’t do shit for herself. How do you drive a car or her full-size truck? Hell, how do you climb into the damn thing? So she’s been playing Capt Gimp for a while. Friends have been bringing meals over and helping her out with stuff, but still, being injured sucks.

Me being me, I told Nan that I wanted to get the xray images so that I could post them on the web, or at the very least, I definitely wanted to look at them, cuz xrays are cool. So she sent them to me a while ago. GNARLY!!! As you can see from them here, she’s got a pretty big plate in there and buttload of screws. What I really like is when you get close onto the 3rd image, you can see where the screw punched through the bone on the other side of where it’s anchoring the plate in place. I have plenty of friends who do construction, and I just get that image in my head of the back side of a 2×4 where the wood screws have popped through and you have all the splinters popping out from the screw hole. But this is in her leg. GNARLY!!!

Nan’s back at work now, and she’s on her way to a full recovery. Now that she’s got machinery inside of her though, I think I’ll have to come up with a good nickname that hints at being a bionic sister or a cybernetic organism or something. Oooo…remind me to tell you about the ‘bionics dude’, okay? Okay.

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One time when Dean and I were out doing mobile bike repairs, this guy came up to us and started talking. We were working at a Park n Ride and at this particular facility were some bathrooms that the various bus drivers were allowed to use, and so we would see the same folks stopping by on their rounds as bus drivers for public transportation. As I said, one day a driver came up to us and started talking. He was asking us what the top speed of a bicycle was. ???

Uhhh, it depends on the rider.

You think like 180mph, then?

!!! Hell no…a human could power a bicycle up to MAYBE 40 without drafting a car. (What the hell is this guy on?)

Ohhh, so like if bionics were involved, then maybe you could get up to like 90 or something. And maybe if you were trionic, you could to 180.

TRIonics? As in, if bionic had BI as its root, instead of BIO, then since bionic meant double what a human could normally do, then TRIonic must mean 3 times that, right? Right? Riiiiight….

What bus number are you driving? Remind me never to take that bus.

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