demon cats
All I wanted to do last night was sleep, ya know? So I’m laying there, thinking warm happy thoughts, when some crap in the other room goes CRASH!
Jeezeezus!
So I get up and investigate. Of COURSE there are no cats in sight. Just the poor doggies, looking guilty, even though I know damn well that they had nothing to do with the destructo noise I just heard. This happens about 3 or 4 times throughout the night, and I’m just WANTING there to be a burglar, cuz I really wanna knock SOMEBODY’S lights out, but no…just the damn cat. I know which one too. Little Bastard…
It was the same cat who pissed on my computer bag in the night. OHHHH no you dint! Guess who ain’t getting no petting from me? But you know what? I know that won’t work. I know a LITTLE bit about cats. Cats are like the class bully who is a pussy (coincidental terminology? I think not…) and if you retaliate in response to him/her doing something to you, then he/she has to ‘get you back for doing something them’, even though they started it. So if I don’t pet the little shit-head, he’s going to piss on something else, or shit in my shoes in the middle of the night. Then I’ll retaliate by squirting him with water or something like that, and then he’ll piss on ME while I sleep. Of course, that will be AFTER he sleeps on my chest and purrs like a lawnmower cuz I’m so warm and comfy. In fact, he’ll probably give me a Cleveland Steamer before he walks off, all arrogant and poised.
And there’s Frank, up on the stairs. Just glaring at me. “Just so you got it straight, I do NOT want you here. I don’t NEED you here. You mean nothing to me.” Okay Frank, got it.
And then there’s the times like now. The cats and dogs are milling about, just walking from room to room and getting a drink of water and doing doggy and kitty things. It’s like I’m watching a cross-walk at lunch time. Sometimes they stop and regard each other for a moment as they pass. Sometimes they’re just too busy doing nothing to be bothered to notice that they aren’t alone in this house. HEY ASSHOLES! I’m here! I’m a human. You know, the asshole who’s feeding you this week!? Yeah, I’m right here. Only the Hog (Roscoe) gives a shit.
Fuck you, Frank.
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